Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful. Proverbs 27:6

Talking about trouble will either draw you closer or push you further apart.

Natural responses to disagreements and conflict:

Fight – (blow up) – Contend

Flight – (clam up) – Withdraw

Freeze – (harden up) – Become Insensitive, Calloused

Fuse – (team up) – Collaborate with God and each other

The time to have the conversation:

• You are the one in the position of responsibility
• The problem truly needs fixing
• It interferes with the relationship – even if the issue is small

When:

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26

Don’t store it for more than a day, but realize the solution may not happen in one day.

Place:

A quiet, private place that provides time and is free from distractions.

Follow God’s process, not your feelings:

• Prepare your Heart

Realize your words will come out of your heart.

Remember the Heart and Spoke Foundation

This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. James 3:15-18

If a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. 2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. 3 For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Gal. 6:1-3

If someone falls into sin, forgivingly restore him, saving your critical comments for yourself. You might be needing forgiveness before the day’s out. Gal. 6:1 MSG

INITIATOR:

• Let the first words out of your mouth be three affirmations

Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.  Colossians 4:6

• Say specifically what is troubling you without accusation
• Ask… do you understand what I am saying to you?
• Then ask… what can we do to reach a solution?

RECEIVER:

• Let the first words of response be three affirmations
• Empathize with the feelings of the Initiator
  Feelings may be unfounded, but still need to be acknowledged

º Refrain from defending yourself immediately. Seek to understand before trying to be understood.

º Repeat back what you heard briefly in your own words.

º Clarify any misunderstandings and share addition information.

• Agree on what needs to be resolved
• Seek a real lasting solution

Guidelines for Both

º Listen and Concentrate: try to understand what is being said.

º Refrain from defending yourself immediately.

º Ask questions rather than stating your objections.

º Avoid repetition and verbosity.

º Deal with strong feelings – take a breather.

º Write it out.

Realize that raising an issue can make trouble worse before it gets better.

• Collaborate on a lasting solution.

º Agree on a path forward.

º Give a solution a probation period to test it.

º Be patient – realize it won’t be solved in one sitting.

º Agree to meet again.

Don’t expect an immediate solution without setbacks.

You must show you are committed to the relationship and to the process of dialogue.

1. Commitment to the relationship (you will continue even if the other person doesn’t cooperate)
2. Commitment to the process of dialogue (listening is more important than speaking)

You must demonstrate these commitments; not just express them.